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As automotive marketers, we write about cars a lot, which means we read and write a lot of disclaimers.
Disclaimers: Necessary but Sometimes Silly
Cars can do amazing things these days, using sensors and cameras to correct your steering or help you park. Disclaimers (common sense explanations of what a particular feature can or cannot do) are required for legal reasons. But sometimes, they border on the ridiculous. A disclaimer about cruise control might say something to the effect of “you will still be required to steer your vehicle – you can’t just close your eyes and hope for the best.”
A disclaimer for a cargo van’s wind correction feature I read recently included this info: “No system, regardless of how advanced, can overcome the laws of physics or correct careless driving.” Indeed. To our knowledge, the most advanced vehicle sensor in the world would not be able to defy the laws of physics. The disclaimer was funny. Necessary, due to legalities, but still funny.
Relating to Marty McFly
Anyway, I read that ridiculous “wind correction” disclaimer on Oct. 20, 2015, which happened to be the night before Back to the Future Day: Oct. 21, 2015. That’s today. Happy Back to the Future Day everyone! If you aren’t familiar, read about it here.
Reading that disclaimer on the eve of Back to the Future Day got me thinking — what if the car you were selling could defy the laws of physics? What kinds of disclaimers would it require? Modern cars are quite advanced technologically, but we’re talking time travel here, people. This might take awhile. Let’s take a stab at the legal waivers you’d need to advertise Marty’s time machine. We’ll start with the ad – then we’ll disclaim it away.
The Time Machine
2016 DeLorean Time Machine SE only $49,000***** – Wanna get a sneak peek at who you’ll marry*? Thinking about reliving those high school football glory days?* Check out the all-new 2016 DeLorean that will guide you safely into the future or return you comfortably to the past with a quick and comfortable ride through time and space.****
Increased Power and Fuel Efficiency
We’ve doubled the jigawatts on our time travel-enabling flux capacitor, meaning you only have to hit 44 mph with our fuel-efficient Eco-charged 2.5L engine before disappearing into the ether.**** Our newly redesigned flux capacitor now runs on environment-friendly E-85 rather than plutonium, which means you no longer have to deal with shady plutonium dealers.
More Cargo Room
We’ve also increased cargo room for bringing home those time-traveling souvenirs. Heading back to 1298 to watch William Wallace square off with his enemies in the Battle of Falkirk? If you are lucky enough to bring home his sword as a souvenir,* our all-new extended cargo area will accommodate the four-foot blade. Also featuring:
- Auto Twin-flame Fire Extinguishers: Rear-mounted fire extinguishers put out the trail of fire your DeLorean leaves as you disappear into the atmosphere.
- Future-assist Gull-wing Doors: Simply tap on the bottom of our gull-wing door and it will open. This time-saving feature is crucial for any sticky situations you might encounter during time travel (e.g. scooting back to the future before Biff kicks your butt after you’ve embarrassed him for the umpteenth time)
So stop in for a test drive today** at our dealership.*** Have a cup of coffee and choose the DeLorean that is right for you.
*DeLorean Motor Company is not responsible for any paradox that could disrupt the space/time continuum.
**Flux capacitor will be disabled for all test drives to prevent vehicle theft through time travel
***Purchaser must sign a waiver agreeing to not mess with any past events that would preclude the formation of our dealership and or the existence of ownership or employees.
****By traveling through time with DeLorean you risk violating the Causality Principle, “the principle that cause must always precede effect. More formally, if an event A (“the cause”) somehow influences an event B (“the effect”) which occurs later in time, then event B cannot in turn have an influence on event A. That is, event B must occur at a later time than event A, and further, all frames must agree upon this ordering.” DeLorean Motor Company is not responsible for the consequences of this or any other violations of the laws of physics.
*****Balance of vehicle must be paid up front. Purchaser cannot travel into the future to gain insider trading knowledge before returning to dealership to pay off vehicle, nor set into motion a chain of events that would preclude the formation of our dealership and eliminate vehicle debt.
Thankfully, Cars Can’t Defy Physics
So there you have it. Those are at least some of the disclaimers Marty McFly’s time machine would require. It’s a good thing we don’t write about cars with such amazing abilities or we’d be knee deep in disclaimers.
Here is our own disclaimer: This post was written in jest and is no way affiliated with any real vehicle or company. In fact, the original DeLorean Motor Company that built the DMC-12 featured in the movies went bankrupt. Another DeLorean Motor Company does exist but is not associated with the original company nor is it to be associated with this post.